Three Myths of Parenting- what makes it harder and what to do about it?
When my eldest son was born I was shocked; with my knowledge about children’s psycho-social development and plenty of clinical practice I SHOULD glide through the heavens of parenthood…(if not like an expert paraglider then at least like decent parachuter), I thought. The truth is that it wasn’t easy. With time I discovered how my own beliefs and self-expectations made it harder. I used the word ‘myths’ to describe these as they are neither helpful nor truthful. When becoming a parent or a carer we often have to re-discover our own self whilst taking upon new roles. This is not an obvious or easy process even for advanced paragliders. The awareness of these three myths helped me on my own personal journey of becoming a parent and in my therapeutic practice:
1) The myth of SELF-SACRIFICE
SELF-SACRIFICE or in the other words ‘’when the other comes first’’. It is a pattern of behaviour when we put the needs of others before our own. Socially and culturally we are somewhat conditioned to prioritise the needs of out children or our family. It is also understandable and normal to consider our childrens’ needs as for a very long time they are dependant on us in many ways. What helps from the start however is practising the awareness of our own needs. Try asking yourself: What do I need RIGHT NOW? The answer might often be rather simple but often overlooked and unappreciated. It might be about sleep or a simple drink of water. With practice we might recognise more complex needs at play such as the need for solitude, creativity or self-development.
2) The myth of INDEPENDENCE
INDEPENDENCE is often glorified as an achievement and goal of adulthood. One perspective is to notice however that everyone of us is somewhat dependent on others. Psychologically it is not only normal but helpful to share responsibilities, goals and dreams with people that matter to us. This sharing is a healthy call for inter-dependance and a dialog about how relying on others can be helpful on a journey of parenthood. The so called antidote here is about cultivating awareness that depending on others is often healthy and needed. Try asking yourself: Who can help me TODAY? Whilst we might be caught up in future plans and tribulations, it might be more helpful to focus on the present moment or the day ahead. Any future change has its origins today.
3) The myth of UNCONDITIONAL parenting
We often hear about the unconditional love and whilst it is valuable to strive towards it, any unconditional love or relationship is somewhat based in ideology. Whilst it is still worthy to aim and cultivate such bond with another human being in practical terms parental love has many shapes and sizes. Each form of love is precious and unique but healthy parenting is based on establishing CONDITIONS. Let us also be honest about our own parenting journey without beating ourselves up for not fulfilling often unrealistic ideals. By holding the parenthood bar much higher than it possible or healthy we are in danger of failing short to our expectations. What helps instead is the realization that certain conditions and boundaries are crucial to finding what works for each and everyone of us in this parenting journey. Knowing what conditions help us to become a better parent is the practical start we often need. Try asking yourself: What boundaries and conditions help me on my parenting journey?
Dr Joanna Chabinska